Taking Care of Myself

I found out a week ago, that there is nothing the doctors can do to fix the bouncing of my left eye. The bad part is, that's the only eye I use. I also found out that I lost a lot of vision. The truth is, I knew that it had happened even before the doctor told me. I couldn't see the board in class at the end of the year, when I could at the beginining. I realized that in swing dance I couldn't see what my teachers were showing me, and I can't tell if my partner is coming towards me, or if they were waiting for me to take their hand. I just think that the shock and reality of the doctor telling me that brought me out of denial. The realization actually hit me at around 4:30am thursday.

I've gotten very depressed because of that. I know that it's all downhill from here. I know Mason and Darryl think I'm crazy for wanting to rush things, and wanting to go to college. But what I haven't told them, is that I'm afraid that I'll lose more, if not all of my vision, before I finish college. I know that if that happens, I'll never accomplish my goals completely.

The fact that I'm lonely doesn't help either.It seems like everyone has someone special except for me. Going to swing is horrible anymore, because I'm always the odd person out. I don't have anyone to call when I need to talk, and I don't have anyone to do things with, or to be dedicated to or someone to be dedicated to me. I feel like I have no purpose in the world except to exist and cause problems. And I know that I shouldn't feel that way.

I'm also scared that I won't get into Rollins College. I worked my butt off and I'm trying to get as many activities in as possible. But I'm afraid that it won't be enough.

I really just want to talk to someone, and I need to talk to someone. I need to cry and know that someone cares, and doesn't just pity me. I just need someone to confied in for once. For once I don't want to be the person that people confide in. I just want to belong. I've never felt this lonely before. I feel hopeless and empty. I can't keep doing things and staying busy to keep my mind off of my vision loss, and my lonelieness.

I'm also hurt because up until a few days ago, Mason seemed excited about Dragoncon, and now he doesn't seem to care. I've decided that after Dragoncon, I'm going back to being alone. I won't need or want anyone. It was better that way. I'll accomplish my goals, I'll go away to college, and I'll never come back here. I'll visit momma, but I'm moving on. I'll probably never find anyone. No one is interestedin someone who won't see and isn't even healthy.

But I'm going to go do something distracting now.